January 2012
11 posts
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Oatmeal: not liquid
I took my parents to the airport the other day on my way to work. About a half hour later I received a phone call from my Da. He was basically in tears laughing. TSA had confiscated my Ma’s oatmeal when they went through security, and Ma could not for the life of her understand why. I could hear her in the background still talking to Da, saying “But it’s not a liquid!” He...
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I know my limits
I am really glad that I agree with the Girl Scouts on this one, because I promise you guys, not a single one of my moral convictions would hold up to deprivation of those perfect, delicious bits of peanut buttery goodness that are Do-Si-Dos.
“They’re killing adorable puppies for no reason at all and I can stop it? And all I have to do is give up Do-Si-Dos? Sorry, I’m...
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Oh, right. It's January and this is Buffalo.
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Once again, teaching my ma, the nurse, about...
Ma: Wait, did you just say you were eating bacon while you were sick?
Me: Umm, yeah? It's good for you.
Ma: No it's not!
Me: I think it is.
Ma: Just take some medicine.
Me: I'm fine, I had the bacon.
Ma: Are you really trying to tell me bacon is better than medicine?
Me: No, I'm trying to tell you that bacon is medicine. You see-
Ma: *muttering, but knowing I'm impossible to stop at this point* Oh Jesus, here we go.
Me: I was feeling like complete shit earlier. Then I ate bacon. Now I only feel medium shitty. See, the bacon made me better!
Ma: Are you done?
Me: It's science!
Ma: Just take the damn medicine.
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Dana's team lost at the roller derby tonight
But she kicked so much ass. For real. All the ass. I was super proud of her. She’s going to have a great second season.
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“Did you put your mouth in her nose?”
– MJJJ still isn’t quite clear on how sex works.
December 2011
7 posts
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Travel update
I just got into Sydney today. I have internet for the first time (I could have had it anytime I wanted, but I just didn’t care enough to work it out). So I figured I’d let you guys know how things are going.
Before this I was in Cairns. I did a day of scuba diving and snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef. It was incredible. I did a day in the rain forest as well. Also amazing. I saw a...
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Goodbye 'merica
See you soon island of criminals where all the animals can and want to kill you.
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“South Australia” - The Pogues
I...
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Three days!
I leave for Australia in 3 days! I’m sleeping even less than I normally do now due to the excitement.
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November 2011
12 posts
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The heat is finally working again
This is the best day ever!
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WatchI did so much laughing at this.
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Muppet post pt 2
You know how a lot of the time when you see a remake/continuation of something that was a part of your childhood it ends up being really disappointing and not at all living up to what you remember it to be? The Muppets was nothing like that. It was everything I wanted it to be. As a friend of a friend put it, “it’s like pouring smiles on your brain.”
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On the plus side
I’m going to see The Muppets tonight and I’m really excited for it. Because I’m an adult.
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The heat is not working in my house
It’s cold as fuck in here, you guys.
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Watchcockenblog:
collegehumor:
Epic Mealtime: Tur-bacon-epi-centipede
802,420 calories in one Thanksgiving meal. For dessert, they all had acid reflux.
WANT.
I want to go to there.
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“Goodwill loves doing handjobs!”
– A man I work with. In our Monday meeting. To our boss. What he meant was that they are good at doing handiwork. This was his choice of words to express that feeling.
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You guys,
I’ve been really bad about actually writing anything on here lately. It’s been a bit busy with getting ready for my trip on top of normal Thanksgiving stuff going on. On the subject of my trip to the land of convicts and animals that want to (and can) kill you, put simply, I’m fucking pumped for it. I leave in just over two weeks and that time can’t go fast enough.
Also,...
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You guys,
I woke up at 4:30 this morning and legitimately thought it was the weekend. Once I remembered it was only Tuesday I was not pleased. Obviously.
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Projecting Nosferatu onto Samnadam's garage so...
You bet we did.
October 2011
14 posts
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My trip to Australia is completely booked and paid...
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I leave for Australia in about a month. I keep...
Da: So why Cairns?
Me: That's where I'll head out to the Great Barrier Reef.
Da: Oh, to go snorkeling! That would be awesome.
Me: Absolutely not!
Da: Why not?
Me: Are you kidding me? There are great white sharks there! (note: I'm pretty positive great whites don't actually come that far north, but he doesn't know that)
Da: But when are you ever going to get to do something like this again?
Me: Great. White. Sharks.
Da: I know but-
Me: Listen, I've got a 24 year streak of not getting eaten by sharks going here, and I'd like to keep that up. And honestly, it's not that hard to do. It's really incredibly easy to not get bit by a shark if you don't want to. One step even. Don't go in the fucking ocean where great whites live. Boom. Easy.
Da: Yeah, but-
Me: No buts. That's all there is to it. It's like getting hit by a train. So easy to avoid I don't even feel bad for a person it happens too. Like people who work at Sea World with the killer whales and get eaten. I know we've been over this before. They don't just hand out the name "killer".
Da: Yes, we have.
Me: Whale, bee, that's it. Just two. You climb in to a small tank with a killer whale and you're just asking for it. Same thing here. How many animals have "great" in they're name?
Da: I'm sure there's more.
Me: Maybe. But not many. And you know what this one is "great" at? It's sure as shit not cuddling.
Da: (at this point he finally becomes unable to speak through his laughter)
Me: Eating! Eating stupid people who go swimming in their water. I know I watch a lot of Shark Week, but you pick that fact up pretty quick.
Da: I can't believe I raised you.
Me: Just don't swim there. That's all I have to do. So easy. I bet I nail it. *rant never really dies out as I keep finding ways to insert sharks into the conversation through our entire lunch*
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You guys,
I still have no Halloween costume. The first party is Friday night. That gives me two days. Two days in which I will probably have to work late as well. Because Cody is out recovering from his ball surgery. Selfish bastard. Help!?
Fox Outbids ESPN For 2018 and 2022 World Cup... →
theworldsgame:
It’s a remarkable day here in the U.S. when ESPN is outbid for anything, but every soccer broadcast contract has implications for the USSF, both men’s and women’s national teams, and the MLS.
What Fox’s apparent outbidding of ESPN for the World Cup rights in Russia and Qatar means for fans in the U.S. is up for debate. It depends on whether the telecast presentation in 2018 looks...
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Sometimes, a well placed 'fuck' really gets me
This was in the comments section (I usually try to stay away, but sometimes I can’t help it) of an article on Spurs last week and I kept forgetting to post it. I laughed so hard at this. At work.
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“I’ll just call my mom and tell her there’s a honkie coming over and...”
– Samara
Brownie is one of my favorite people on the Earth. I’m sure if I really needed it, she would actually call her mom and say those exact words so that I could nap at her parents’ house.
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Now I'm watching Monsters, Inc.
Because I’m an adult.
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I feel as though
Everyone should have a day dedicated to the making/eating of various sausages and the consumption of unreasonable amounts of alcohol. The world would be a better place.
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Terms I think up while drinking
Jetski - v. to lay one’s head on a woman’s breast; not quite a motorboat.
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I appreciate the irony of me calling him a Guinea...
Guinea: (to Guinea friend) Why are there so many Cedric the Entertainers in here?
White guy: Racist much?
Guinea: I call em like I see em.
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“Oh lord, did you see them titties?! *holds hands as far out in front of her as...”
– Lady who we were eating outside with about some other lady who just walked out.
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These things actually happened.
MJJJ and I just took a trip to Seneca Lake to get juices for making wine (a shit-ton of wine). The following two posts are things that happened to us on the way back when we stopped for lunch at Dinosaur BBQ.
The first occurred because when we got to the restaurant there was a 50 minute wait. And, well, fuck that. So we went to the “to go” counter and grabbed our food in 5 minutes and...
September 2011
12 posts
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My Buffalo Bills just won a game against New...
My Buffalo Bills just won a game against New England
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YuuuuP
We won. I had a lot to drink. The renovated arena looks fantastic. This was a good night.
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First Sabres game of the year
You bet your ass I’m there.
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You guys, this is a thing that actually happened...
A very Jamaican sounding man called my place of business and wanted us to test his potpourri because people were smoking it and claiming to get high.
Which, first of all, what?
Second, he wanted us to test the smoke from his product against weed to see how similar they are. When it was mentioned to him that shipping marijuana to us might not be the best idea, he said “Oh, no, you’ll...